This is what 48 looks like. I’m getting professional head shots and photos for my web sites. I hadn’t really viewed myself in profile for several years. I’ve been a bit unpleasantly surprised by new wrinkles on my checks.
It started a few months ago when my friend Sara captured this image of me during an amazing sunrise at Burning Man. Now that I’m reviewing and choosing the pics for the sites, I’m reminded of it again.
Not super sad about it. Simply smacked with the evidence that yes I’m getting older even though I feel better than I’ve ever felt and (usually) think I’m looking better than I’ve ever done. Ok maybe I am a wee bit sad about it. I cop to being vain. Who isn’t.
Those sads though. WTF? I’m pretty sure it’s because we’re socialized to believe that women shouldn’t age. Men get to be “distinguished.” Women are “letting themselves go” or somehow less-than.
The best I can do is remind myself of good stuff. Just like with food and exercise habits, I use cognitive behavioral techniques to look forward and feel positive. I say these phrases to myself:
“OMG, I look so happy” (I was!) Look at that shit eating grin!”
“I am healthy AF!”
“I am enough.”
“Those wrinkles are from laughing and smiling. A lot. I’ve lived a great life and I have fun.”
“I look damn good!”
“We have the right to age.”
The ones that work best for me are
“Aging beats the alternative.”
“Aging is going to happen. Spending my time worrying about it is (a) useless and (b) a total waste of time that (c) makes me feel horrible. I choose to be grateful that I’m still here.”
All of my photographer friends remind me that light makes a huge difference in how I appear in pictures. And, they remind me that pictures aren’t necessarily how I’m perceived by others. Not that that matters to me.
The older I get the less fucks I have to give about what others think about me. That’s been a fabulous perk of getting older. The very best things are yet to come. I occasionally take selfies. I like this one. I use them to either check that I don’t have spinach on my teeth when I don’t have a mirror handy or to see myself in a positive light. Then they’re usually deleted.
I rarely share them any more. I have opinions about “thirst traps” and they lean towards disapproval. As originally used, thirst traps are not positive attention seeking. Lately I’ve seen them being used in safe-spaces as a means of being proud of oneself and getting positive validation.
I’m good with finding them empowering if the feedback works for you. They simply aren’t for me because I want to have my self-esteem driven by my self. Sorry people.
I’m grateful to be alive. When I really think about it, aging fucking rocks.