It happens. A break-up. A spouse’s major illness. Accidents, a shocking fight with friends, your professional goals crumble. Pick your stressor. There are just times when all one wants to do is stay in bed and sleep off the overwhelming pain of whatever it was that caught us off guard this time.
The kids still need feeding. The taxes need doing. Your boss expects you to keep showing up at work. Life goes on while your brain is shrieking, “STOP!!!!!! I HURT!!!!!”
I’ve lived though multiple shit-storms where the the horrible came swift and fast from all directions. A lawsuit + my hospitalization + my spouse battling and losing to breast cancer + losing my job. Within close succession. And that’s only one of the horrible periods in my life. Somehow I made it through all of them. Here’s how I coped. Maybe you could try these tips to get you through one more hour, one more day. In no particular order:
Marijuana
I’m not going to lie. Cannabis allowed me to un-clench and get sleep after the most trying days with the worst news. Obviously it’s not something to do in an addictive way. It’s good medicine in the right doses
Breathing
Not your regular breathing. There are pranayama techniques for quieting the self during anxiety. I like alternate nostril breathing
Exercise
I was already a regular exerciser when it all went south in my life. The gym was my sanctuary and serotonin fix. It gave me a break from stuff. and got me out of the house. Even if you don’t usually exercise, a 10 minute walk outside does wonders. Classes give you the opportunity to be social without having to talk all the things. I am profoundly grateful for my community at Pedal Spin South Pasadena.
Asking for help
This is the most difficult thing in the world. Friends and family see what’s happening and they want to help. They often fail when they take it upon themselves to intervene. Ask them to do specific things when they offer assistance. Doing the errands, picking up some groceries, taking the kids to the play date, fixing that damn broken light fixture.
CBT. Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques
Things like challenging beliefs, re-framing, and giving yourself credit can stop rumination and bring a bit more calm to the panicky brain. Let’s say your brain is saying, “OMG this is going to end with us homeless!” That’s called catastroph-i-cizing. With CBT you can challenge that. Answer your brain with something, “how realistic is that? Oh, come on, I have savings to pay the mortgage for a few months.” And then you re-frame “Ok brain, we’ve thought of the worst that can happen. What’s the best outcome?” Then list those things to yourself. And thank your brain for worrying and tell it that you’ve got things handled.
Acceptance
This one is also really really really effing difficult. Sometimes there is no way to avoid the worst that can happen. The day my wife was deemed terminal with only weeks to live, everybody in our world got into “you’re going to beat this!” mode. No. I needed to do the things that needed doing because she and my daughter needed me to do it. And it tore me apart. If I didn’t accept it, the necessary stuff wouldn’t get done. All I could do was sit and meditate with it sometimes and allow myself to feel every emotion in my body. Just sitting and naming sensations.Bawl my eyes out. Scream. Go back to breathing and CBT and asking for help.
It’s so trite to say that the only constant is change. That truth hurts and usually pisses me off when others remind me of it. We can’t predict the future so we don’t know when our situation will change. We don’t know if it will be worse or better. All we can do is honor ourselves and our pain and remember that it will actually change. I promise you.